A Christmas Miracle

I really did get a Christmas miracle this year, It was disguised as a disaster however. I knew it was a heaven sent miracle though, and I am grateful although it is was not a fun start.

Let me explain;

There is a reason that I have not been posting, you see I have decided to give it another go with my soul mate, the man I love, the one I know I would do anything for. The problem with this was that he was a trigger, and provider, but I knew that I would have to face this at some point if I wanted to have him in my life. I also knew that he was so strongly addicted to certain things that it would be nearly impossible for me to get him to change his ways. There  would need to be a divine intervention, You see I knew that there was a great man hidden beneath the dark cloak of the addictions, I just didn’t know how to remove the cloak. God did though, and that is exactly what he did. I know it was God because the signs I have been receiving ever since are strong and incredible.

It was Christmas night and we were having drinks, and I won’t lie I indulged in a tiny bit of the other dark force, the one that I favored above all else. If you follow me then you will know what it is. We had a great night, I fought the usual demons that come along with the drug. The paranoia and dark thoughts, instead we had a lovely night and enjoyed each other very much. I woke up in the arms of the man that I love and I was happy, we lay there and when finally he went to get up he was stricken with a horrible stomach pain and could barely stand, then came the cold sweats and he started to lose color in his face. I was concerned, being a certified PSW and having taken all of the first aid courses, and learning about illness I know that his was not something to be taken lightly, I insisted that he go to the hospital to make sure that this was not serious. He finally begrudgingly agreed to go,  and went to emergency. A few hours later I received word that he had something wrong with his pancreas. This is a common occurrence in alcoholics, it is something that can be deadly if not taken seriously. He was in the hospital for 4 days, wasn’t allowed to eat or drink for 3 of those days, the doctor informed him that this time he was lucky, but next time he might not be. He could never drink again.

This was the answer to my prayers, not the pain he was in but in what would come from that pain. Freedom. Freedom from addiction. We are now 10 days in to being sober and happy. He has his moments of craving that thing that he hadn’t gone a day without in 20 or more years. He fights it though. Marijuana helps him, I am a huge advocate for that. It helps many people overcome many things.

Here is to happiness, and I know that this time it is here to stay. 🙂

Healing my heart, and my mind, while my body heals its self.

It’s amazing that we don’t often realize how much we get into our own heads, and make whatever situation we are going through far worse that it ever was or needs to be.

The drug, the craving it, the getting it, the being better because of it, yes it can have physical effects on the user, but even those start in the mind.

I find that in being separate from my relationship I am feeling far healthier and much more grounded, I never realize how much the relationship stressed me out, until these days; where although I am busy with work and my kids, I am not mentally, and emotionally exhausted, not even physically which is odd seeing as I am going non stop from 7 am right up until midnight.

I am happy, I feel stable, I feel secure and I finally feel sure of something; myself. I don’t need a man for any of that (or a drug), I don’t need to take the advice of brainwashing songs trying to tell me that his love is my drug, or that I have to stay high all the time to keep from missing him.

Fuck that shit. What are we teaching our kids? Not to be independent? To be so dependent on something that once it is gone you have to numb yourself, and potentially damage your entire future, because something, somewhere; told you that you only had one possibility for happiness, and God forbid it be taken away because you will either have to kill yourself, or get high to get by.

You might wonder why this gets me so heated, the answer is simple really; I was one of these influenced people who actually thought, and felt (or avoided feeling at any cost) that these fucked up things that these songs on the radio were driving into my fucking head 10 goddamn times a day were accurate, and that I should live by these ideals.

Now, my 5 year old sings about getting high and vomiting in a bathtub, I don’t think so… change that fucking station immediately. I’m sorry but fuck that! Do I, as an addict (past but presently still fighting it), want my daughter to grow up thinking this shit is normal? Fuck no. Somebody stop this madness please! Here is the root of most of our problems in the drug/love addiction bullshit world, that has been purposely created, to keep our focus off of the incredibly massive amounts of corruption, and injustice that are plaguing our globe, (thanks to a few rich fucks (who also control the music)).

They are telling me that I need my stupid man (that yes I do love), but he is being programmed to treat me like a fucking whore by a bunch of rappers that think they are tough shit, even as they pay other people wipe their asses and iron their panties.

My relationship is not a great one, I know this because that jerk that I love, has another girl, and thinks its perfectly ok to do so. I think I might have inflated his head a little too much, either that or the rappers really got to him, it’s time to pop a pin in it all, this entire balloon full of bullshit and lies.

You see here is the thing; I used to think I needed him like the air that I breathe, but no fucking way can he be compared to something as clean, as pure (in some parts of the world), and as life saving as oxygen.

Yes I love him, but he is fucked up himself, sometimes I dare to think he is far more fucked up than I ever was (he would totally disagree with this, which I understand, as he still hasn’t accepted that he has any sort of problems at all in any area of his life, thanks again rappers!). He has been abusive on many levels, and I did the most cliche thing in the world, I made excuses for his behavior. I made his behavior so fucking excusable that he began to get angry when I was calmly denying him, while in my most rational states of mind ever.

There comes a point in time where I have to realize that what I thought I had with him was entirely an illusion and most of it was seen through rose colored glasses (thank you red wine and cocaine), he has my heart, but until he learns to smarten the fuck up and correct himself, he really did wreck himself as far as I am concerned.

So now I happily concentrate on myself and the fruits of my womb, because those are the real hearts that deserve my undying and unconditional love.

I will continue to feed my blog some juicy steak dinners, which heals my heart and mind at the same time, while my body heals its self.

I can do this, I really fucking can.. I say that with more conviction than I have ever had in my entire life up until this point….

Goodnight guys. Sweet dreams. They will be on my end.

Love is not an open door

Don’t take my love for weakness

Don’t assume that you can do just as you please

For it’s only love that has plagued me

I don’t have a disease

I’m smart enough to walk away

If I see that my love is being used

I sure as hell won’t let love leave me broken and abused

So if you let our love slip away because you were too blind to see

Don’t blame anybody but yourself for setting this lovebird free

Dark Days on a High Horse

If I ask you if you love me, please don’t say it just because.

Please don’t act as though you are changing into something that never was.

Please don’t sit up on your high horse, feeling sorry for yourself;

When the heart which I had offered to you, you coldly placed up on a shelf.

So if you ever come looking, for the love that you hid away;

Don’t be surprised if you discover, that it’s gone on to find a brighter day.

 

The pain of true love – A poem

Love can rip us open,

It can tear us at the seams.

It can disintegrate our dignity, it can take away our dreams.

It can make us sorry that we ever met the person we call the one.

It can make us say and do things that can never be undone.

It can make us go a little crazy, more often than we’re not,

It can make us want to try, it can make us give it all we’ve got.

At the end of the all of the pain, all of the trials and the tears

I hope to still be standing here with you after many years

For it was through this pain of learning to love you, that I discovered who I am,

This quite possibly is something that no one else can understand.

But loving you has saved me and even though its brought me pain,

I know that from this lowest point we only stand to gain.

The Fight – Fighting to hold on and fighting to let go. I’m learning.

Fighting, always fighting, fighting the addiction, the cravings, that pressing urge to go and do the devils drug (so it’s called).

Fighting the need to be wanted, the wanting to be held, the desire to be loved.

In fighting to find myself in these things, I only lost more of myself; a lot of myself. In fact; in retrospect I was losing pieces of myself before ever finding the ones that I was already missing.

I’m still struggling to fight these demons, they are my own; I can blame them on whoever I want, in fact I used to. I blamed everything and everybody, any excuse that I could find; I used. I’m finally learning that I have nobody to blame but myself.

Through this blog you can follow me on my journey. As much of is as I can remember anyways.

I’m going to start at the beginning and with an enlightened (and still learning about enlightenment) mind, I will talk about the moments that stick out the most in my mind. They might not be in order of when they happened (I probably have drugs to thank for that), but all of the moments that I revisit here were beneficial to my journey, and I hope will also be beneficial to you. Whoever you are.