The change it brings

The thing with addictions is this; the triggers are everywhere.

Anything that you were doing at the time of using, anybody that you were using with, any place that you’ve used before; they all trigger that memory of having used.

It can get to the point where you question if the relationships you are in are real, or were brought about and are still around because of the addiction, because of the shared love for that thing that you both know is wrong. It’s misery loving company, and misery really is what comes.

I notice that when I am sober I am much more pleasant to be around, as is my lover, as soon as we get the drug into us we stop talking to each other, we sit and listen for noises that only exist in our own heads, we become suspicious of each other over the stupidest things, we stare at our hands and pick at the dead skin around our fingernails, instead of talking to and enjoying each others company. Even though we know that this is the outcome of almost every time we use, we still waste the money to get the drug that only makes us prone to more abuse. We stop appreciating each other, because we both give into the darkness that the drug brings with its every visit. We sometimes fight, and it never ends well, always with me crying and him being far more frustrated with me because of my inability to control my emotions.

I find that I used to use any excuse to call my dealer and get a half gram of blow, I would do the first couple of lines and then I would be paralyzed by fear that was not within me during my sober moments. I would look back at these moments with a sober mind the following day and say to myself ‘why do I even do this to myself?’, yet I would conveniently forget about those thoughts when the time came for me to pick the addiction back up again.

I am in a place currently where my relationship is in shambles, but I know that I love him, and I have questioned myself on more that one occasion about whether it was real love or just a figment of my addiction. As I sit here sober missing him more that I miss the drug I have the answer to that question. I know that it’s him that I want, mind you I am also a love addict so that could play a part, but I refuse to believe that there isn’t something incredible and outer worldly about our love. I will describe moments in my upcoming blog posts that might have you agreeing with me on that, you might even realize that your own relationships are destined to be, and are more than just mere chance.

I am truly thankful that I don’t have the extra money to get any, because I might not be as strong as I feel, if I were on it I definitely would not be writing this right now. I managed to blow through my entire inheritance from my mothers passing, mostly to ease the pain of not having her, but also just because I could. It was not a good thing and it is something I am not proud of, but I can’t take it back, I can only learn from it and accept that in the end it made me strong. Yes it might be a warped way of looking at it, but I will try to make you understand….